Here we are,

mixing it up. Trying to breathe, trying to live. Finding colors forming shapes, spilling into feelings. We see the clock and wait for it to slow down. That makes it go faster, we dance with the devil walking down the street. We laugh in the face of temptation and do it anyway. We swim with sharks and laugh while they see you as chicken legs and a roasted pig spinning. We spin and make ourselves dizzy. We learn how to start things, then we yearn for them to end. We smoke and enjoy the feeling of blackening our lungs. We fight just to rise our blood pressure then are curious when heart attacks happen. We sing, because we can and some of us think we are talented. We are. We aren't. We wake up and fall into showers, not knowing how others thought this a luxury. We drive just to stop and then we drive again. We smile at the stranger, hoping our sympathies are gathered. We shout when angry but really we are sad, we try to threaten our feelings away. We look at our shoes instead of others eyes because people have spouted mysticism about souls. We drink to be different but we are all the same. We drink to fit in, but we are all different. We smell the battles fought and praise those brave while condemning the fighting. We forget our animals instincts in disguises of humanity. We fuck for connections, nothing more than an electrical socket but nothing short of amazing on both ends. We dine to feed ourselves, that mutates to over indulgence. We think our next meal is not close enough. We hear laughter but don't participate, we envy. We laugh and wish others to join. We flush our cheeks again and again. We feel the world under us and think we have conquered it. We think about life not infinity. We are in awe of the universe and set aside time to cook eggs. We wear scarves in the winter, sandals in the summer and smiles in pleasure. We take pictures to remember, we take pills to forget. We are here.

2010

is now over. It has been fun. Regardless of the beginning, it ended up being a great year. I have my health, I have some stories and I have a future. I'm not sure what expectations I had, and if they were fulfilled or not. Well, I know and it did not happen. That is fine. Once we understand that things don't go our way all the time, life is much easier. You can breathe, and call it fate, call it destiny or coincidence. I'm sure that most of us can't pinpoint when the events that will shape our lives happen. And in those moments most of those who do recognize the impact that particular moment has, can only make one decision.

I have thought a lot about time, and it's meaninglessness. But recently, I have been focusing on it's purpose. I understand that although it is arbitrary, we have given it meaning. Days, hours and years pass and they mean things. It was hard for me to fight time, it is something engraved in us through the routines we encompass. Without time, the world would collapse. Sure people got along just fine without the consequences of watches and clocks, but they were a little bit craftier in how they organized their lives. The sun and the moon, the giant orbs above us, beyond us, held the keys.

I had a goal this year to read forty books. Although I did not succeed, I am pleased with the outcome. I read thirty-three books, exposing myself to some amazing writers, reading some old favorites. In the latter part of the year I read two amazing books. These have a secure place in my top ten. White Teeth, by Zadie Smith blew me away with the interweaving of the characters all distant, yet all connected. It also gave me great cultural insight on Indians, Jamaicans, Jehova Witnesses, and the British living in London. We talk about New York and its diversity, but we forget about the little island across the pond that ruled the world and brought those cultures in its borders way before we even had borders. Number Nine Dream, by David Mitchell, was an amazing study of imagination. It has a few false starts all over the book, but that is not a negative. It took the idea of searching for your father and spliced in the imagination of a twenty-something with an interesting past. It makes you guess, and it proves you wrong. Also, it was set in Japan, so I could relate a little bit. I have read a few Japanese authors, Murakami, and Mitchell is on par with the feelings, the actions and the nuances of this familiarly foreign country.

I had another goal, one in which I succeeded. I decided to watch 200 movies I hadn't seen before. I ended up seeing 202. I won't tell you all that I watched or even the good ones, just the great ones. But first here is what 202 looks like in terms of time and money. I spent 18180 minutes, or 303 hours, that translates to 12 days and fifteen hours watching movies. That doesn't seem like a lot but when you imagine someone doing this while working full time and reading thirty some books, and having an active social life, I would say that I am a little impressed with myself. Now, of these 202 movies I saw twenty-three in the theater. At an average of twelve dollars a movie that ends up being 275 dollars, plus and Icee when the chance was provided. Sure that money would have been better suited for... I don't know, I had a great time. Coincidentally I watched five movies of books I read as well this year.

This was a year for em to expose myself to things I love. Books and the cinema, both, in my opinion, noble pursuits. I'm not sure what goals I have this year but I know that the pressure (only from myself) is off and I can go back and watch some of those moves I loved (Inception, Black Swan, Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgram Vs. The World, An Education) Those were the great ones, But I am sure there were many more I missed. So, I'm not sure what I got from all of this. It continued my appreciation for the industry. I will probably try once again this year to watch every single movie nominated for an Academy Award, and keep tabs on the movies will see this year. I am, I have realized, a collector of experiences, and this way I can see what I have accomplished.

With the new year comes new opportunity. Although this year came with five of us lighting cigarettes in the backyard of a party we hopped a cab to get while, while the people inside shouted we were noticing the rain and then the fireworks. There were hugs and kisses to go around. That is the feeling I love. Everyone around the world in the respective time zones were hugging and kissing, smiling and thinking about the future. Without this time marker in place for people to take notice I this these expressions wouldn't be so available. We use time to make things important. It would be strange to do this on Sunday April fifteenth. But the first, everyone is all smiles. The whole world cheers and we are all one, for ten seconds before and a few after.

photos

I have decided to share some of the photos I have been taking recently. I hope you enjoy. As the year officially wraps up I will write more, meaning tomorrow when I will take the appropriate time to reflect. It should be interesting


http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2133786&id=23506268&l=4550c72353



http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2133786&id=23506268&l=4550c72353

For the most part

I view myself as an open person. However, I am realizing that most of what I do, I mean the day to day rarely gets shared. That's fine. I'm not in a relationship and that's where people open up about what they do. That's because the other are the only ones who care. It's not a strange concept and it doesn't work with all relationships. If you ask me a question I will answer it. I am more open to hearing what others have done. I will add something if I feel it relative. I have always been a talkative person and more and more I am trying to understand what I was actually saying. Growing up, I was always the kid who was sat next to the teacher, just to get him to focus. I wasn't a bad kid, a bad teenager yes, and that is from the perspective of the teachers, most would say that I led a pretty safe teenage life. I didn't have my first kiss until I was fifteen. I smoked, I drank, but I was never malicious. I am not a mean person. I have a hard time understanding the motives of others when they are solely for personal gain. I will never make it in the business world. The status quo of my life is usually fine, unless I find it boring. That's when I grasp the desire to change.

It is unavoidable to not look back at this year, just putting mileage on your life is thought provoking. Sometimes it brings a smile, or a pang of regret. It shows us missed opportunities and hopefully we can see how lucky we are to be counting the remaining seconds. I'm sure in a few weeks I will have more on this. I would be lying if I said that everything was perfect this year. It makes me think of the idea of happiness. When we do achieve it, does it last? I am thinking about the people who always find a fault, think that the there is something better coming up. For those people, like it or not, I believe that is their happiness. I, on the other hand, feel that I am fortunate to be able to recognize these moments in life that no one else will understand. These are the moments you have by yourself, or with someone that, no matter ho hard you tried to explain them, it's not the same. These are the moments I keep silent about. These are my secrets. The fact of the matter is that I don't actually want to share them with others. I have been blessed with the understanding that what other people think only matters when you are trying to change their mind. Sure there could be repercussions, but if it comes to that you can always envelop them into the moment. When those thoughts come into my mind I smile. I throw the proverbial middle finger up and hope they enjoy the show, whatever that might be.

I sit

here while it is raining and think about last week when the lightning was striking. I remembered that when I was a kid I don't think I was ever really afraid of it. Even though it looked like it cracked the sky, it always disappeared. I would sit, as I think many do, and listen to the thunder roll over the many hills and mountains that surrounded our town. I could hear it coming and going. When I think about it now, understanding the science of it all, I think of all the mysterious things that are not anymore. Rainbows, animals, human behavior. I think that is what it means to be a grown up, to mature and understand things, that seemed so magical. I guess I am still trying to comprehend what I am going through. The years rolling by and how age determines what we have learned in our lives. Some people have stopped learning. They compromise and they find themselves satiated with what they have. I guess that's okay. Most people have more than others, well at least the people I know. I am rambling, I am trying to put into words the frustration I have, that no benchmarks are clear. Does it hit you and your head clears and you can say to yourself, "Yeah ok, now that that is over, time to move on." Or do you remember something and then there is the realization that in the past few months, years, there was a change and you have been who you are for quite some time? Does it ever come, or are you transported between different periods of humanity all while the clock ticks? Do you get to be a different role player, now I am a child, now I am an adult, now I am responsible, now I can act like a jackass? Now I am wise, but yesterday I was a fool? I just don't get it.

I breathe

and I breathe and I breathe. Tonight, with a spark of creativity that exploded I tried and am trying to get it all out. I started a new art project *top secret* and worked on some music. I have this strange and sudden need to get some art out there, out into the world. I don't know what medium it will be, or if it will even have an impact. I just can't wait for the moment to have it out, then I can watch what the world does with it. Chew it up, embrace it. I don't care. I will have done my part, however small. I think I have the talent, I just need the patience. It all takes time. That is one thing I had failed to realize when I first started writing. I thought i could write it and be done with it. Now I know it has to simmer, until the boiling point. I can see everything in my head, but usually it is a split second. The hardest thing is capturing that perfection. You see it, but don't always have the opportunity to put it down how it needs. I do believe the greatest motivation is seeing what others have done and trying to eclipse it. I can stand in awe of the great accomplishments, for those I do have much respect, but this is where my competitive side comes out. Rarely do I want to admit to myself that I couldn't do what they did. Astronauts, on the other hand...

Now let me get this straight, I don't normally put this idea of myself out into the world. I am a very humble person (pause for irony.) I am writing this as kind of a challenge. It is too often that I forego creativity for simplicity. I encourage you not to do the same. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. It doesn't even have to exist after you create it. I just want you to get the same feeling as I have right now. This feeling that I can't control my fingers. That there is an inside force, finally escaping. That feeling where you breathe and breathe and breathe and you don't notice it. Do it and you will recognize your lungs.

It's been some time

I know I have been behind. But here is what has happened. Take a deep breath. I'm not stopping.

I went to Denver, saw my wonderful sister, watched Hubble 3-D, which absolutely blew my mind, I am still trying to figure out how long 90 trillion miles is and how they were able to capture it, had some Denver sushi, went to a comedy improv show,flew to New York, finished my second book of the trip, walked from the lower east side to 42nd street drinking every type of alcohol we could think of, saw a giant hole, ended up in times square around 2:30 in the morning, there was no one there, took a cab home, pissed in the street, the next day took it easy until we went to Tribeca and saw James Fucking Franco (as his name will forever be known to me) read from his god awful short story collection, went to an amazing erotic acrobatic display, in an abandoned building in Brooklyn, (seriously that was amazing, beautiful and awe inspiring , for people who did this all on their own.) The next night we toured around Williamsburg, (birthplace of my people: hipsters) went to a shitty house party and then had some slices, next day I met up with a former student who lives in Boston but was going over to New York anyway, she's a sweetheart, the next day was sunday and we didn't do much during the day, instead we met up with some friends of my gracious host at a bar where when you buy a drink you get a free mini pizza, I didn't sleep that night because I was flying out very early, flew home, finished another book, came back to work to discover that my class had been dismantled, meaning i lost a lot of my favorite students to morning classes, rooted for the giants, less than a week later watched Brian Wilson strike the last texas player out and saw a city explode, from the Thai restaurant we were watching the game at we headed, in the back of a pickup truck (montana?) to the Mission where we gave high five after high five while drinking tall bys and watching hipsters, grandmothers, mexicans, punks, jocks, the homeless and everyone else dance, hug, cheer and yell, all because we won, (yes I said we I was a part of this team just as much as anyone else driving by and honking their horns) It was all fun until someone started a fire in the street and forced the riot police out, they stormed through twenty abreast, pushing me onto the side walk, well not all of them just one, that was a Monday night, Wednesday the Giants rolled into town and were given a much deserved parade, the streets were full all day and I touched electricity,since then the routine kicked in, I did however read one of the best books I've ever read, (Number 9 Dream-David Mitchel), I am up to twenty nine books this year and on my thirtieth, I have watched 154 movies and ... oh yeah I gained ten pounds which I am slowly losing, my mind, however, still here, I think I will always have a map to it.

Dustin