Sunday, May 2, 2010

The atoms

I am comprised of stir and my hands move. My eyes shift, squint in the light. I am waiting for something. I usually forget that I am waiting. Oddly enough it is not only when I am sleeping. I have been waiting for days, years. The unfortunate thing is, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I get excited, I get anxious, but for what I don't know, have no clue. I imagine I might find it when I take an unusual path or make a decision counter to what I would have normally done. It's just around the corner, just over the hill. I am afraid of it. Not knowing scares me. Finding out could scar me. I am not a nervous person, the thoughts that normally tax our brains pass over me, mercury racing downhill. Money comes and goes, my job is stressful but secure. I am waiting, wondering for nothing. When I feel like I can see the future, my heart strengthens and my eyes sharpen, I look deeper at the man on the corner, approaching me. I stare at the woman across from me on the bus. My future lies just three feet ahead of me. Then the man walks past without the exciting job offer, or peril. The woman gets off the bus and doesn't look back. I shrug and continue walking. I exhale and climb back into my book. It isn't greatness, fame or riches. It's purpose that I'm waiting for. I'm doing my part of being in the lost generation.

I make them smile, I make them laugh. They cry. I indulge myself with novels. The protagonists have purpose. They have conflict. Is that it? I have no conflict, war battle, love. I have over six feet of myself. I have my thoughts, my dreams, some I share, most I leave behind. I think, I create, I forgive others quicker than myself. Is it time that I accept that I have to make the adventure I am looking forward to. I have had a few. I have been places, seen things, like when I was in Japan and saw a guy riding backwards on a motorcycle waving a samurai sword at the police chasing them. Is the difference that I only saw it and didn't do it? However I am pretty sure that is not what I am waiting for. I just don't think I can accept my life as normal. I am ready for my samurai sword.


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