Saturday, June 19, 2010

I feel

like doing something violent. Nothing to hurt anyone or myself, just something that I can tell has an obvious change caused by me. I would love to find a broken TV set on the sidewalk, take it into the park and destroy it. I wouldn’t really be destroying it since it didn’t work already, but I want to see something break. I am stagnant, I am docile and I am bored. This is a bad combination as I feel I am going to explode. My thoughts don’t know where to go. They are forming an angry mob in my head. They are ready to rush to my fists and smash, to my legs and kick. I guess I wouldn’t really mind getting in a fight right now. Never been in one, so I don’t know how to talk myself out of one yet. I have been very physical lately. Maybe I want to go dancing. I want to move without running. I want to smile while falling down and getting back up. I want things to have changed after I pass. I want more than the slight erosion my sneakers caused on the pavement. I want to see a bad man pay. I want him to learn a lesson. I am a teacher. Hell maybe, I want to learn a lesson as well. Do you ever feel like your shoulders are going to detach and your arms will fly away, leaving you with your mouth open as you fist smash the windows behind to you to escape? I think about that sometimes. I don’t know where it comes from. I am not a violent person. But I am human. Humans have been through violence. Don’t say we created it though. Just take a look at claws, horns spikes… We are in the wild kingdom, be it in my small apartment bedroom, the jungles of Africa, your penthouse apartment. Kill, fight, win, struggle. My mentality is this. We have these wonderful machines that are here to provide that we survive in the future. We need to use them or just like knives get rusty, they will no longer serve a purpose. Computers, TV’s are great but the outdoors, where we contact threats, that is where we get our thrills. It’s like sex. If we didn’t enjoy it so god dam much we wouldn't do it over and over again. There would be no sports. We would be fat blobs who were eaten before our first sentences were uttered. I just saw myself in a loincloth punching a tiger. Shut up PETA. No I am behind a drum kit hitting the cowhide. I am jumping over cliffs and diving into the water. My shirt is off and I scream as being chased or I run, chasing. It is making extremities numb with something to hold, pound, thrust or throw. I want my fist to smash glass. I want a microphone thrown into a speaker. I want to feel a punch in the ribs. I think that this aggression is healthy. I am not targeting humans, people, a symbol of my parents, boss, ex, or anything else psychoanalysts would tell my rage is really about. I could be the happiest man in a mosh pit right now. I don’t do and a not on drugs. I am just being a human, a human as an animal. I don’t think rage is the right word. There is this force that is trying to escape from my physical being, but I don’t know how to release it. I thought pounding on these keys would help, but as I rock back and forth to the song playing at full volume I feel this force growing, the atoms of it are multiplying. Worry not, for there is not bridge close enough for me to jump of and feel that thrill of smashing the water. Felling my body collapse. I still won’t fight any tigers because I am too far from the zoo. Violence is not the right word. Violence is a choice or something, how you react. I have nothing to react to, I just want to act. I want the bass drum note I am hearing in my head to be footsteps or the impacts of my fist into …something. I am a dangerous caged animal with rational thought and non-sociopathic tendencies. What do I do with this? I am sweating thinking about it. I am smiling as I slam dance and rip my shirt off. I laugh as I chop down a tree and hear the crash. I throw that fucking TV off of a cliff, watch it smash, glass flies, NOISE is made. No one wants to make noise. Shhhhhhhh I do this, all day long, let me Yawlp. Let me stand next to an 800-pound gorilla and scream. Let me charge into a justified battle with a spear, or an axe. Let me see fire, let me see revolution in the streets. I want to run down the oppressors and do it because I am human. Because I am an animal and that is what animals do. When something is wrong they fight. Let me fight; just tell me what’s wrong. God I wish I could fly. I need to climb a tree ride a bicycle down one of these hills. I need to walk across coals. I need to run from the cops. I need to do all these things at once. I want to swordfight. I want to parry and thrust. I want to explode, and it’s all out of a strange mixture of joy and boredom.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

I have

started shooting hoops after the Celtics play. These Finals games have made me so anxious, and give me so much energy that I have to burn it off somehow. It has been a great series, but I do hope that game six in L.A. will be a twenty point blowout so I can get some sleep afterwards. I usually shoot around for about a half an hour to an hour. I have done this four or five times. I have started to take 100 shots in the end, keeping track of how many I make, opposed to how many I take and figure that is my shot percentage. True, it is a lot easier with out anyone guarding you and without getting tired playing defense, or worrying about passes and rebounds, but I think this a fair assessment. I have done this three times and average around 55% shooting. Not so bad. I like this, it reminds me of when I was little and could go shoot hoops whenever I wanted, weather permitting.

However, when I was little, no one just randomly showed up and asked if they could have a shot. The past four times this has happened to me. Let me break down the type of people who just stop by and ask to play. This will also show the type of people who are walking around the Panhandle.

1. He was a man in a wheel chair who was sitting with other people for a while. He made his first shot and I was happy. Then he wanted to shoot more and more. The woman who he was with was getting angry, I was too a little. Even though he made his first shot, he air-balled the next ten or so, and wouldn't give up. He made one and rolled away, saying thank you.

2. Walter Earl. He was the nicest of the four. He took a few shots and then asked to play HORSE with me. It was his HORSE to my H. I know his name because he introduced himself and told me he was a Jazz musician. It was also the day before his birthday. You should google him. He told me to do so, but I haven't yet.

3. This was last week. It was a middle aged man with a polo shirt tucked into his jean shorts. He air-balled the first shot and then I let him get his own rebounds as I was getting frustrated. I was in the middle of figuring out my average and he wanted to make small talk. He played basketball in junior high school, but doesn't like watching it on T.V. I think he even said that he hated it. As far as I'm concerned it's the best sport to watch. He made a few shots and every one he made his partner, who was sitting about 100 feet away, cheered.

4. I could see this guy coming for a while. He looked like he might have just played a game. I didn't look at him as he strolled up, put out his cigarette and asked if he could shoot. He too air-balled his first shot. I went and took a drink of water as he ran after the ball. I still didn't look at him. He could take a hint better than the previous imposer. After only a few more shots he turned me and said, "Too drunk to play basketball." With a snort I took his pass and he went on his way.

I know this may be petty, but please if you see someone playing by themselves, please don't ask to shoot their ball. I did mean to say please twice. Chances are they want to be alone. They aren't looking too shoot around with someone. You could play HORSE with them. My problem is, I can't say no to them. It might be neighborhood rules. Sure it's five minutes of my time, but I am doing my own thing. I didn't ask the middle aged man if I could ride his bike around. I know this is a friendly and unfriendly city at the same time, but would it be mean to refuse? Probably, but it is much nicer to let them shoot. I'm sure I'll be back next Sunday with another update. I'm not going to change. I'll play ball, and if someone asks, I will let them shoot. And one more thing, why is it never the pretty girls I see running. Would it be strange to ask to run with them? Yeah, it would.

I thought I'd share

what a student wrote to me on her last day. There has been a lot of justified complaining about our job as teachers. Everyone there knows about the low pay, but we just can't figure out why it continues. There have been problems with management. But every once in a while we get the true reason we teach here. It isn't always summed in a card, but it is here. Also, please forgive the mistakes. Can you say what she did in Korean?

Dear Dustin,
Hi, this is Cindy. How are you? Can you remember my Korean name? My name is Sekyoung Shin. I get used to being called as 'Cindy.' But it's time to be Sekyoung again. HaHaHa. The time to go back to Korea is coming.

You and San Francisco are very special for me. before I came here, English had been stressful and boring to me because I always had studied English to pass an exam. But, I have been interested in English since I met you in your class. Your class was always hilarious and interesting. I was happy and fun while I was attending your class. Thank you.

You are very good teacher. Besides you are special teacher.
I will never forget you. And I wish we would meet in Korea again.
Don't forget to keep in touch with me! I really want to see you again.

Thank you. Dustin.
Sekyoung Shin
신 세 킹

Students like Cindy, and many other I have encountered here, are the reason I have stayed. Please ask any of my former teachers to see if any of them would have said I would have become a teacher. I understand it now. It might not be my profession forever but for now, I think I'll stick with it.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Ray Allen put on a show.

This was a good weekend. I had some karaoke and Japanese food on Friday. Saturday there drinks and Japanese food, then drinks in the Haight. Today I watched my favorite team tie up the series and head back home to take games three, four and five. When I look back I exhale and smile. Usually I just stay home. I know there is plenty to do in this city but it escapes me sometimes. I am even looking forward to this week and next weekend. For a while I thought that basketball and sports in general were just a phase for me. But now I have learned that sports, watching and playing, will be with me the rest of my life. The game is perfect in its simplicity. Put a ball into a hoop that is high above you, or try to make sure the other team doesn't put the small ball in a different hoop. But then you watch great teams and they first make it look impossible, then so easy. I don't like those who look down on sports as brutish and unsophisticated. It's true, you sweat, you push, shove, you get hurt, you gloat, you get angry, you are good one moment, then horrible the next. But you also learn a lot about yourself. Can you handle pressure? Are you a team player? Do you know how to exploit you strengths and abolish your weaknesses? Do you have a good work ethic? Are you coordinated? Can you see things others can't? Are you strong physically and mentally? It is a constant test. Most people can see the benefits of a team sport. But some see it as grown or overgrown men and women fighting over leather holding in air. To those people, I say you might be smarter than me in certain respects but let's put it on the court. Also, recognize that I said MAY.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Lakers Suck.

Although Boston didn't win tonight, it could have been worse. Watch them come back with a vengeance on Sunday. I know I will. They didn't win but I had a good time watching the game. After going to a crowded bar I found a Thai restaurant with big screens and the waitress (I think her name was Thai, I'm sure it was something different though) let us sit all alone in their other bar and watch the game alone. I like it when people are nice. I know that is a simple sentence but it isn't as easy to find as one might think. Just ride the bus sometime, and you will see. I suspect she was a nice person but others suspected she had something else in mind. Now I am never one of those people who think that the waitress is into them, or anyone else for that matter. Thinking about it, I might have missed some opportunities. Later when I was waiting alone for some people to come back, she sat down and talked to me. The bills were paid, and most people had left, so I'm not sure about this.

I'm sorry to all of you for not writing so much recently. I got another job and have had to behave like an adult, going to bed before eleven and waking up before seven. It has started taking its toll. How much it charges, I'm not sure, but I hope it isn't too taxing. (Yay! Word humor.) I have been treading water for too long. I can't wait until I can get some serious bread. It will be very eye opening to get paid what I'm worth. I think in three months it will be a different story. Right now I am just enjoying what little peace I have. I think a big difference, and I mean this in no derogatory way, is not having a girlfriend. You always have to do stuff and buy stuff and they keep you awake (and yes I know that usually it is never a bad thing.) But sometimes a homie (that's me) needs a break.

I have decided that I am moving to Korea. I know there is a lot of turmoil right now, so I am not going to go if things are too escalated. But this hole I am in needs a ladder and feel like this is a good opportunity. And you know, I like barbecue.