Friday, October 15, 2010

After Montana

I had a good sign last night as I spent the last few hours in Montana. I was outside around two-thirty in the morning and I was looking at Venus. Then a comet shot through the sky, broke in two and then disintegrated out of sight. It lasted three seconds, which doesn't sound like a long time, but when it's a comet that makes you notice it. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't remember the last time I saw one. So, I threw out a few amazed expletives and then made a wish.

I spent this time giving up the ghost of my childhood. I went through my old stuff ruthlessly and found a lot to throw away and not much to keep. I even thought to throw out all of my books, but my mother stopped me. When I was in high school I had a spot about a half a mile from my house. It was an opening down by the river across from my house. I didn't go there this time. And, as far as I can remember I didn't go there last winter either. Time to move on.

Last night, before the comet I had dinner with my father, I was early so I waited outside, looking around. I realized how much I missed San Francisco. I had never missed Montana, even when I was halfway across the world. I can safely say that if it weren't for my family, I would never step foot in that state again. It is a hopeless place, for me, veiled in a mystic romanticism. People tell me how beautiful it is, and it is, but beauty can only go so far. I understand the reasons my family stays but those reasons do not apply to me.

I went through the routines, the drives I have taken hundreds of times, the walk through the backyards of my family, the quirks of the house I grew up in. These are no longer my places. My mother made this house hers. I have yet to make a house. I don't know that I will and those concerns are not the ones I am focusing on right now. I need to decide on a continent first. My parents gave my sister and me a good life and I will always be grateful for their decisions that led to this point.

It is time for my own decisions. Time, which doesn't exist, has factored into my life, but never ruled it. I know the thing I want done, will get done, but the rush isn't behind them. Nothing is chasing me; my hopes my fears, least of all my expectations.

This trip was to say goodbye. I knew I would be able to say goodbye to my friends and family, maybe for two years or more. But I never imagined I would wave at that sandy blond kid with skinny arms, and a smirk. He never knew where he was going and he still doesn't. Maybe he'll hitch a ride on that comet, but that wasn't his wish.

1 comment:

  1. Yea, being home and not feeling home any more, even though u remember exactly how it felt before... it's a weird feeling... like u grew out of your former favorite shoes. u don't miss it and u would never buy the same ones again, nevertheless u miss liking it so much