Sunday, April 4, 2010


a while I feel that the weekend was way too short. In fact, all weekends seem short. Why is that? It's Sunday night. I am at home, ready to wind down and maybe make a movie. I shot almost twenty minutes of footage at the Giants game. Now all I have to do is somehow doctor it so that the Giants won. They didn't. It was nine-zero after the last out. That is my night. I just wanted something quiet after a few days out. Friday was another outing at a Japanese restaurant, no Karaoke this time. Yesterday, I went to a BBQ and then hung out with my roommate and her friends, opting out of going to a club. Today was a delicious ham and giant squid. I ate the ham and watched the squid on TV, just in case you were wondering. I hope that this week will be a little calmer. Calm is good. Rowdy is good too, just not now, not for me. I had a thought yesterday, "I wish I grew up in Brooklyn." But after thinking about it I realized how much of a contradiction this wish really is. If I had grown up in Brooklyn, I would have wanted to grow up somewhere else. Or I would have been a totally different person, one who might never have come here and been riding on the BART at the time of this idea. So, logically this wish doesn't make sense.

I might be going crazy by having nostalgia for a past I never experienced. I should be focusing on the amazing life I did have. I think that I'm just not fully satisfied with where my life is right now and I am trying to pinpoint the time in my life when I could have changed the outcome, where I am at now. I think about if I had grown up in Brooklyn, or if I had gone to this school, of if I had studied something different. The logical Dustin, which in recent years has completely taken over the emotional Dustin, knows that is just a waste of time and thinking about the past will solve nothing unless you are not repeating the mistakes you made. The problem I have is, there really isn't a mistake I regret. I just have this feeling of emptiness inside. Instead of focusing on the present and what I can actually change, I think about what I could have done differently. I'm not sure this is making any sense to you but that just adds to the frustration. If I knew what I regretted I could analyze it, break it down and devour it. Swallow it, digest it, and move on.


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