I think I have found out what this ball of energy stored up in me is for. I have wasted too much of the recent months sitting at home watching television. Although I enjoy this, there might even come a chuckle or two. But I am living in this amazing city and am not taking advantage of it. There are things I could be doing. Life is waiting for me.
I roll my eyes a lot this time of year. Fucking Christmas ads. It is November Ninth and as an American consumer I am to be thinking about what I am going to give and get for Christmas. There has to be some way that I can afford all of it. I know I have spent money that I don't have and many people around me have as well. I'm supposed to have a family or beginning one. There have been times when I see those hallmark moments and I think about the day when I have kids, well unfortunately that when has changed to an if. Maybe that is where my frustration lies. I don't see myself fitting into that cookie cutter idea of what I should be doing. Land of the free and the home of the brave? It seems the only brave ones are the ones who decide to be free.
I know that I am not as Kerouac as I would like to be, but I am also not as American as people think I should be. There is an American idea as seen from our television. Buy shit, if you can't afford it, get a credit card. We'll help you with the payments and everyone around you will be happy. I guess I am lucky that I grew up in the household I did. It taught me that there is more to life than what is given to me on Christmas day. My family loves me. I am not thought of as a lesser human being because I am not making 60 grand a year. I'm sure they would like that security for me but they know me better than to think that makes me happy. And you do too.
It's easy for the man who has little say that he doesn't want more, but isn't it easier to say that he does. I don't subscribe to the idea that if only I had this or that then I will be happy. I have what I have and I make due. My mind, my heart and my passions are what make me smile, not my new car, not the new earrings that I can give my girlfriend. (for any future potential mates of mine, disregard me if you think I will ever buy these for you, but I will make you amazing meals, write poetry if you truly touch me and make you feel like a queen even if you don't have a thrown.)
Scoff scoff scoff.